Well first off, I am very much a wallflower.  My stomach does somersaults when I walk into a crowded room.  I have to sit and prep myself all day before I can even consider going to a large meet-up or networking event.  And after just a few hours of socializing, I am burned out and need to call it quits.  That’s a wallflower.

But I learned to hide it, for those few hours I’m at the show.  I learned a few tricks to help myself get better at meeting people at events and feel more comfortable while I’m there.  Now these are not fool-proof.  I definitely still walk into events and turn around and walk right out, not feeling the vibe or the energy to do it.  But they definitely help me.  Maybe they will you, too.

5 Tips To Help You Network

1)  Bring a friend who is out going, and follow them around.  They’ll handle the tough part – entering conversations – and then loop you in.  Just talk with them about this before and make sure they know you would like help.  I see people at events follow friends in, but then still hang out on sofas or in corners along the walls, since their friend just didn’t know they wanted help.

2)  Don’t be afraid to just jump in.  If you see a pretty loose and open circle (two people talking close together is clearly a private talk, DON’T enter it), just hop into the side, listen a bit, and speak up with an opinion or question.  Do NOT start talks with your name and a leading question that gets you to talk more about yourself: “I’m Bob; I work in CRM. Do you need more customers?”  People smell this and will disengage.  Try something like “How do you know about this event?” ” What do you want to get out of it?” ” What are you working on right now?”

3)  Listen more than you talk at the first few events you go to; people will respect that and make an effort get to know you, too.  Offer polite but informed opinions on what others say, and they’ll be more likely to invite you back.  That said, do not just drift on the side of the conversation only listening – this is creepy.

4)  Seek out people you know. As you get to know more people, find them in crowded rooms at future events.  Say hi and ask how they are, remind them where you met them, they’ll usually then introduce you to whoever they are talking with and now you know even MORE people.

5)  Do NOT go to events with the goal being “To Network” or something pitch-y  like that.  Go to meet neat people and have a good time.  I go to events to see people I know in the industry and reconnect; if I leave with a few new business cards from others, its just a nice bonus.  Leave a friendly impression and people will think about you as a nice business connection in the future.  Leave a business-like impression and they won’t even consider you friendly in the future.

I’ve talked about how to get and prepare for your first Investor Meeting. With Valentine’s Day coming up, I figured some tips on getting and preparing for a first romantic date would be more helpful for the season. (This post will be very hetero-normative, and aimed primarily at geeky/start-up men. Here are some neat articles for those this will annoy, like it normally would me.)

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Through my attendance at SF Beta, I’ve come to notice that there are a lot of single, intelligent, and interested tech boys out there, as well as women who are interested in finding them (yes men, they do exist). Yet somehow, the meeting happens, and its all down hill from there…

So for the start-up men out there that I have come to know and love, here is some advice for chatting up that potential Valentine:

THE APPROACH:

1. Approach. Before working on how to approach, you must first start the approach. If you don’t have the confidence to come to me, I’m not going to waste my time going to you. Yes, I noticed you staring at me from the door; I’m just choosing to ignore you till you get some balls.
2. Have confidence, not ego. Approach with a smile, head held high, and a willing hand shake. But do not approach with all of your successes and greatness on your lips.

THE CONVERSATION:

1. Have a conversation ready. Do not come up to me, introduce yourself, and then expect me to fall head over heels that instant. Be ready to talk and not stand with an awkward grin.
2. A conversation takes two. Do not come up to me and leap into your newest start-up idea, a great technology you developed, or the tech gossip of the minute. If my responses are fewer than 4 words, I either don’t care or you aren’t letting me speak. I might as well just read your blog and leave you talking to the wall.
3. Have a question ready. This falls in line with #1 and 2. (“How are you?” doesn’t count). We have Facebook now; do some stalking, and at least pretend you have an interest in my life and want to engage in more than physical intercourse with me.
4. Don’t push too hard. Make me want more. If you hang around me for more than 20 minutes at a mixer, our conversation better be damned good. Otherwise, end it BEFORE it winds down and gets dull. “Oh, I’m sorry. My friend just got here. Let’s catch up later (hand me your card).” If, up until this point, things were going well, I will get back to you.
5. A Card is not a Call To Action. I take back the “(hand me your card)”, above. Think back to design school: have a Call to Action. As you are leaving, let me know “It’s been great talking to you. I’d love to catch up more later, ideally somewhere quieter. Do you have a card?  Mind I ping/call you soon?” If she says no, give her yours, but make it clear you are honestly interested in social, not business.

FOLLOW-UP

1. Email first. Some girls will disagree with me here, but I hate when a guy calls me out of the blue. I may not remember who you are, where I know you, or why you are calling; and your phone call just makes it uncomfortable. I prefer getting an email or gchat first, and then taking it to the phone.
2. A date is NOT a business meeting. Don’t trick me; be clear so I know what I am getting into. I HATE when men ask if we can get dinner to discuss business. Occasionally, people DO want to meet with me to talk business (surprise, surprise). It’s one thing to say “I’d like to take you out to dinner. I’m interested in learning more about what you do.” – That’s clearly a pick-up, thank you. It’s another to say “I’d love to chat with you about a business venture I have. Free for dinner next week?” – Ambiguity sucks.
3. Dinner is a date. Lunch is a meeting*. Weekends are always dates. This is good to know whenever you are asking to take someone out. Be honest about what you want and pick an appropriate time. (*If you have made it clear this is NOT a meeting, than know that Lunch is casual)
4. Don’t get let down. You will get rejected, politely turned down, snubbed, ignored, etc. But if you stay positive, hopeful, and strong while you are single, you will get dates as well. The worst thing is the smell of desperation, so just relax and have a good time.